Here is what online dating is like as a transgender woman.

WARNING: Story contains details about my experience with using dating apps/sites. If your not open minded don’t read.

Like shopping at a thrift shop you have to sort through a lot of trash, but sometimes you will find something that is worthwhile. This is my experience with using dating apps/sites as a transgender woman.

Men message me from Miramichi, Moncton, Bathurst, Fredericton, Halifax, Montreal, and all in between, some even message me directly on my Facebook page or personal account after seeing content I’ve posted to social media.

Let’s break down what I consider ‘dating’, it is where two people who are attracted to each other spend time together to see if they also can stand to be around each other most of the time, if this is successful they develop a relationship.

Now, there is a shortage of actually going on traditional ‘dates’, but there is not a shortage of ‘hooking up’ which is to have any form of intimacy with a member of the preferred sex that you don’t consider a significant other. Don’t get me wrong I have been on dates with straight men, but the majority of those dates were private.

I am open to dates, chatting, friends, I’m open to the possibility of long-term, I don’t really limit what exactly I’m looking for because too many limits can harm something that could be a good thing, so I stay open to anything (within reason). However, I only meet heterosexual men. Most of them are first timers with a trans woman, but some already know what to expect when we get together because they have experience with transgender women.

I do have a rule that I follow which is that I never message a man first. I don’t want to come across as misleading or be accused of trying to sleep with someone for simply saying ‘Hello’. However, I will say that there are a lot more men interested than men hating that is for sure, however, the most frequent things men ask me are:

Do you have a dick? 

Probably the #1 question I get asked is what is downstairs. Despite stating “pre-op” in my profile on all of my dating sites, men can’t seem to grasp the concept that pre-op means before an operation. Therefore, I clearly never had sex reassignment surgery.

Some men are more respectful and just ask what pre-op means, in which case I will take the time to explain to them. But, if a guy is blunt and aggressive about the questions he won’t be getting a response.

What is transgender? 

Again, I can’t even believe that it is 2018 and there are people with an internet connection and the ability to use Google, that do not know what a transgender woman is. Often, I just tell them to do just that, Google it. 

They’ve lost my interest right there.

Are you on hormones? 

This is relatively frequent, I believe men like knowing that my body has the same hormones as a cisgender woman. They want to know what changes have happened since starting hormones, how long I have had hormones, etc.

Most of the time I answer all of the questions in regards to hormones. When I tell men that I’ve only been on hormones for only four months they are surprised, but I was blessed with a slim figure and many feminine qualities even before hormones.

Do you plan on having surgery? 

I get this almost immediately after I answer what is downstairs. I always tell men that I’ve either never decided yet, or that it’s none of their business depending on how the conversation is going. If they are being respectful, I’m nice, if not, I’m a bitch. It’s simple.

Will you dress up for me?

This one is one of my pet peeves. When a man asks me to wear heels, a dress, lingerie, or wig during a date or a hookup, I immediately ask them if they are going to wear a tuxedo. If they are not going to dress up why am I expected to?

Point is, transgender women are not your fetish. If you truly are attracted to transgender women you will realize that our bodies are all different, just like cisgender women. Some of us are pre-op, some post-op, some have implants, some have had no cosmetic surgeries or are not even on hormones.

The men that ask these question are the ones that watch trans porn and expect the everyday trans women to be like that porn star they seen in the video – that’s not reality. Stick to your lube and PornHub, please.

I’ve never been with a dude before.

Walk out the door, bye.

This is an absolute no. Men trying to be friendly by starting a conversation with that statement immediately tells me they don’t actually recognize me as a woman. I can’t even waste my time on that.

I’ve always wanted to try a trans.

Hold up, did I miss the memo on this one. When did we become a new flavor of chips or candy bar or something? I assure you anal sex (pre-op) and vaginal sex (post-op) feels almost if not the exact same as it would with a cisgender woman.

We do not have special powers of mind control and seduction, snap out of it men.

Can I see your breasts? 

No, I assure you they are much smaller than a cisgender woman and taking pictures of them to send to you is just going to make my gender dysphoria even worse.

I’m not interested but I have many questions about things that are none of my business and I’m being a douche bag about it.

Go away.

Married men and men in relationships…

I would say that almost half of the men who have spoken to me either online or in person were in a relationship or married to a cisgender woman. Which makes me feel like monogamy is dead.

Here you have a woman who has devoted her life to be with you and your eyes are on me. I’m flattered, but being the other woman gets old quickly. I would never openly tell their wife or girlfriend because they could be doing it for many reasons, maybe they are not happy, they just want to try something different, or they are using it as a way to escape their reality in the same way that people use drugs and alcohol.

It’s a distraction, sometimes I’m willing to be that distraction, other times I’m just not interested.

It really depends on how they come across and what their intentions are, most are upfront about being married, or in a relationship. However, if they are not open about it and then I find out from social media or otherwise, it doesn’t end well.

Creepy men…

Sometimes, I get men that hide behind a profile or email to contact me and tell me they saw me on Maritime Nightline, at work, or in public somewhere and they talk about how interested they are in me, but they never reveal their identity. Which I just find creepy.

Those kinds of men I normally don’t respond to.

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The men that are respectful…

Out of all the messages I get I would say about 95% of them are men that are actually interested in transgender women. However, the downfall is, maybe 5% of that 95 % are actually willing to openly date a transgender woman. The rest want us to be a secret, or just want to experiment.

I’ve had men who have just wanted sex, friends with benefits, or a long-term relationship, but I have to be a secret. Then I’ve had others who don’t expect anything and just want to meet me, it goes full circle.

One thing I do tell men is I will never be in a relationship that is a secret. I am so public on social media and I think that intimidates men sometimes because there are a lot of people that are private with their lives, which is fine, but you at least have to be able to go in public with me. Dinner, movies, shopping, something other than Netflix at your apartment and a pizza delivered to your door.

When I was in Montreal I met many men that wanted to do all of those things publicly, because they are not scared of their desires and interests. Men in rural New Brunswick are in hiding, but I always tell myself and them that it says more about them then it does about me. It tells me they are not comfortable enough with who they are and their interests to fully live openly. Again, I’m not saying that they have to be as public as me, but they must be able to be seen with me in public if they want something long term.

The easy solution if I really wanted a relationship would be to move to a bigger city and find a man who is all of those things, but I’m not eager for a relationship. Having a man does not make me complete, it’s just an added bonus to my already open and progressive life. Eventually, if it is meant to be, it will be. Until then I will enjoy the roller coaster that is the dating scene for a transgender woman like myself!

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